Could be he is no longer that interested in going out . Forgiveness takes a long time. One day when my H decided he was divorcing me I told him that I will never remarry so he should plan on paying alimony the rest of his life. That was just over a year ago, and he never did come back. He will have his freedom now to do whatever he wants, answer to no one, and im TERRIFIED he will love it. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. Over the last couple of days, with help from articles like this, I am realizing that I have been a doormat and have allowed my wife to be a cake eater. Now? It was just the same life over and over again. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. I know if I cut him off emotionally from me completely he would prob struggle, whether or not he would admit it like he did before I dont know, but I know he would feel it. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. You are not forgetting. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. Midlife Crisis Midlife Crisis: 11 Signs, Triggers & What To Do When It Happens Hes been addicted to online porn for a while and a few times he went beyond just getting his little kicks. That new love attraction or high. He KNOWS he is free to go. Plan B. Your observation that you would have been replaced may be accurate. But I still feel the need to get some kind of boost from other guys (I dont know what kind of boost). 4. The concert would have gone until like 1 at the earliest. Talk about feeling like a major sap! Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. Even though I know thats whats best, and I told him I do know that. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. Unfortunately you are being responsible and he is not. Im sure thats not what you want. Sooooo my point is my therpist would tell me the only thing you can control is your reaction to him. No is an answer. But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. Its called the Plan B. He threw in the towel. Its not hate or love. This is not my Hs first EA and this one became a PA. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. I know that today is the worst day I have had in a long time. Hi Doug Not true, not valid and not acceptable. This will never work. Im truly living in limbo, with a 5 month old baby, and the love of my life, who no longer looks at me like he used to. His behavior is unacceptable!!! It can lead to a renewed marriage. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. Nothing you said or did can justify or excuse him running to OW. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. As Yusim explains, So yes at DDay2 I told my H I was D him. But when Im aware of being hurt every day, that is a really difficult pain to get over. Like I said in my first post, we decided Sunday he would move out. Of course I was very unprepared for the ILYBNILWY speech a few days later and demand for a D a week after DDay1. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. Is this at all possible to do under the same roof without hating him? His behavior appears to be those of an addict / whether drugs, alcohol, etc whatever. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. That is the life you would be having. Or just dont engage with him except about finances and your baby. And it made his head spin. The handwriting was on the wall. During the week im usually still awake when he gets home, he will usually get home right before we put the baby down for bed. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. I looked at him like he was crazy. And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. im praying that if we can give eachother time then we will be able to build a new relationship. My H never complained he had no freedom. I told him his actions show he doesnt care about me at all and that he wanted a different life, and I told him to go have it. I dont want to be around him. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. He will regret it one day. There may be many OW not just the one he is no longer talking to. It hurts. Something. I drew a firm boundary and said that I wanted to work on saving our relationship. And he would swear its me. Get your self together. He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day. She said she want 6 months.She also tells me how much happier she is with out me. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. I phoned a friend who had worked there and knew this woman. I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. Cheers Trying to be supportive. I can only say from experience that I dont want to be right I want to cross my fingers that sooner or later he will wake up!!!!. Mine also admitted to me that he was having an EA, and cried and told me he was scared. Not you & him. When here in the house at least I can see hes out, hes drinking too much, and he may not be the man I want for my life anyways. It hurt my hand. And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! After he came back from his 2 week rendezvous with her, he came back to live in our home as though nothing had happened. I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. You are NOT doing anything wrong. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. I dont understand how I can still love someone this deeply after all of these things and how angry I am every single day. I think thats the part that did the most damage. YOU let him contact you. But it was not even close to your situation. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. But he did end up staying the night on the couch. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. Here are my suggestions: I have written a very long response but feel very weird posting it on here all about my life. He was impressed by how close my family was, he became a part of it and he loved it and it was like he felt such pride in me as his girlfriend, 5 years later as his fiance, and 6 years later as his wife. Exactly. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. My ultimate goal is obviously for us to be together and work through this, but i cant make him want that. It is powerful. And I have my DDay2 showdown to prove I will do it. Yes it might be indeed. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. He is acting like a typical cheater. I dont know..well see how it goes. But I also dont want to be walked all over and disrespected. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. I just dont know how much longer this can last. When we left after the argument he texted me that we need to end this. He doesnt want to help you in any way. Financial access to all accounts and documents. I learned this from my H cheating. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. He then apologized for all the things he said to me and said he is just sick of fighting about something that isnt happening (him talking to her). I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! Its like im suffocating him just by existing honestly. I cant IMAGINE lying to someone the way he has lied to me, I dont even think he sees it as lying anymore. Once I finish the book I plan to discuss a game plan with our adult children. He made that choice. I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). Right on the heels of the PA was an EA with a very young girl. unfortunately you were heading down this path. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. He had a no contact with her for about 2 months. My assumption is that in order to come out of the fog, you have to start making better choices. Its more him having these perceptions of me and the outside world, totally different then he used to. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. The first 2 years of Reconciliation were not easy. And then sometimes its like I do ONE thing and he becomes irritated and I can ALREADY see the wheels turning in his mind of like wanting to get out. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. It is horrific but I cannot imagine it with a newborn baby. It sounds like your h is irresponsible and immature because he acts like a selfish overgrown toddler. Its EXHAUSTING. He talks about how he wants to do all these adventurous things and he doesnt want to be held back, but hes not doing anything like that. For a stupid infatuation. I really told myself I would do this 180 and stick to it, and then again this week I asked him to show me his phone and told him I know he is speaking with her, even though I dont know that. When she was messaging me nasty messages he couldnt stand up for me. I learned this the HARD way during my Hs A. I thought (like you) that I could change him. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. Oh absolutely, he has blamed me for SO much. That is why I say As are like addictions. Im so much better than this. I hope you can get there. In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. This is about you and your M and his choices and behavior. You cannot control your Hs actions but you csn control how YOU react. Your confrontation with him was to try and get your M off life support. I started to prepare for a divorce. He went and laid on the couch and sent me a text saying lets finalize a divorce. Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. But you man up and be real. Good for you for standing up to him. He does not deserve you do not allow this man to treat you this way ever get rid of him and find someone that will love you care for you and respect you. How to shake her from the fog or how to take care of myself. Just letting you know I know when things dont add up. Mark. I think you are doing the right thing for now. Then she set her sights on my husband and he was totally infatuated. When we fall in love our brains become bathed in a soup of phenylethylamine (PEA) a naturally occurring amphetamine. So, I guess, both of us, in dead end street & whatever we do in future, the outcome might be the similar. That it is disrespectful to agree to something and turn around and do the opposite. Less than one month later he wanted a D (yet again!?). A view from the other side - Various Fog stories NO YELLING! Asking no questions is good too (and smart). She tried to keep contact happening but I blocked her number and in the end she got the message. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. Dishonest. She has told me last Monday that she has stopped contacting him so this might be a positive. Am I making myself too available? Right now he is counting on you being a mess. Regardless, keep focusing on yourself and your kids. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. It comes first. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. A few weeks of that and we were headed for a divorce. He accuses me of hiding my phone from him, as if IM DOING SOMETHING WRONG, when he hides his phone morning to night. If this works, it does, but Im going to prepare myself if I am not going to be in this marriage., I also wish I would have just said, You are in this affair. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. Not real. and he was done being married. He basically blew me off and just kept saying ok whatever ok whatever. Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If hes making that choice NOW when your M is in need of life support then he would most likely be making that choice 6 months from now. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. and he said ok then remove yourself. What was happening behind my back, I think I could have handled a lot more because you werent walking in and lying to me. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. I think when he goes out of town my mind goes WILD. I tell him I feel like he hates me, but he says he could never hate me. Its always women. I feel like it would have pulled him out of his affair fog real quick and made him do a reality check but now I struggle with guilt and anger at myself because it ended up going on for years and years and years afterward because I did not have the backbone to do that. Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. Doug: Yes. I found out his wife was a 3rd grade teacher found her email her Facebook page with recent happy photos of them he would always be busy on weekends but said he had his daughter on weekends I saw their home address and the home was for sale ! We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! She is such a good person he would say to me. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. Part of me is TERRIFIED that I will start to solely focus on me and the baby and stop asking him questions about what hes up to, and he will take advantage of that and start doing whatever he wants as if hes not married and start to enjoy it and fall more and more out of love with me. They are living in cloud cuckoo land. And honestly, part of me is like who the hell cares. Regroup. He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. And your H now may be sure this is what he wants. Take care of yourself first. But its also a part of life, schedules, things going on that we should be a part of TOGETHER. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. You have told him how you felt and what you expect. And I think there is a reason things have changed so suddenly. If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . The affair started backing up again, but secretly, and turned into a PA. 3 months later, I found evidence of the affair on his computer while he was out with her. A 2 time looser. Or you can take some time to decide WHAT YOU WANT!! I never thought my life could take this kind of turn, and when it took this turn, I NEVER thought that this many months later I would still be in a position of heading towards divorce, when I know thats not what I want, but I fear he will do it just bc he doesnt know how to fix it and doesnt want to right now. Creston What is that about? The second issue is the one I cannot figure out and it makes no sense to me (or you). Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. I think im still SOMEHOW so shocked by all of this, that everytime he does something that shows me he is pulling away, Its like being kicked in the stomach. Why? And then he met this OW and everything changed. And you have to go through all that before love can even begin to start being felt again. Dont be me. The most hurtful words I ever said. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. He said now he know i wasnt love. I appreciate it more than you know, as much as it terrifies me to read that you think I need a lawyer, etc. I wasnt clear on thatsorry. It kills me every, single, day. I couldnt agree more! Nothing to do with anything you do or do not do. That is your reward. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. If you dont, thats what theyre going to do to you. Because he knows I wont toletste anything else. Though I wonder WHY he needs to spend so much time out at bars come on, 4-5 nights a week is excessive. He literally walked in the door and out of the blue wanted a D. No fight had occurrrd. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker. I think its harder for him to disconnect from her because he is totally having his cake and eating it too. But I keep telling myself just stick it out a little. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. He had you in limbo. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. I flirt with guys and send nude pics sometimes(which he has seen before) but I never really get the urge to sleep with these guys. Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. We had just gone to a workshop for troubled marriages thru our church at the beginning of December and celebrated our 25th anniversary in October. But it is a calm rational approach. And I think he knows it too. I guess all I can do is work on ME and try to be the best place for him to be! A few weeks later we talk with our coach again, and when asked how things are going I reply They seem to be getting alittle better (or so I thought). 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! Part of me thinks I should once and for all let this go and move on, figure out a schedule for him and the baby and move on without him, but I just cant even fathom that. I dont talk to him, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me as Im trying to deal with surviving this entire ordeal and Ill send him a how horrible can you be text message. I sure hope he comes around. And if I said that to him it might be a wake up call, but then again, I might regret it 10 mins later and regret saying it. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. Thats HIS guilty conscience talking. My H went back to the OW a second time as he was still in the fog. I dont even know why. trouble is the tunnel Thats why I love this blog. You are stronger than you think. and she helps a lot. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit But how can someone be SO in love, SO on board in a marriage, so all about his wife and making a family and then all of a sudden be SO completely different? Either he has a serious drinking problem or many OW or something. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. I love him, probably too much. I have no clue. I have changed to be a better me and am looking after my self a lot better. We were over- marriage, life etc. Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. Innocent my arse!!!!! But it is an excuse to justify his own behavior (as in I went out all the time b/c you acted like you didnt care). It is not easy and at times we struggle but I still love him and we get along well. Hes spending his time at a dive bar down the street. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. I do get kind of afraid he is convincing himself im speaking to another man and then he will just get deeper and deeper with OW, or other WOMEN, but I guess thats also something i shouldnt worry about. but she has told me she has strong feelings for him. Calm. It took me 20+ years to get my H to see that his behavior was disrespectful. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life.
